Category: Dating and Relationships
How do you deal? When you have one guy who loves you and then along comes another guy who loves you. Is it meant to be pain for what party? All parties? Or just the other person. What happens when the head and the heart don't agree on one, but on the other everything fits but his status. It is just a painful mess or is there something there. Ssituations vbery but I am curious about thoughts that might or might not be there.
I took a look at your profile to see your age, and since you list it I'll tell you whatI think. Due to your place in life it is difficult to know if "a guy really loves you." In my opinionated opinion, love takes much time. You have to "love" a person for whatever they are. Sick, happy, sad, even when your mad with them. "love' requires spending time with that person to learn if you "love" them really. I think people toss out "I love you" so they can get close to you. Most times it's lust, or infatuation, and the "love" wears off after the first fight. Smile. I'd try them both, but be honest with them both to why you are. If you like one better then the other, then take him and pass on the other. You'll find if you do this that "love' won't really be "love" because if you are really "loved" both will understand, or try.
I forgot to add need for companionship to the lust. People seem to use "I love you" do get someone to believe they are really interested, when in truth they have a need for friendship, or companionship, so they cling to the person they feel might work. Not a bad thing, but "I like you!" would be better.
First of all, go with whomever you feel is best for you. if the other guy can't deal, it's his loss. If you can't decide, maybe neither is right. it's not always black and white like that, but if you're not ready to make that decision between the two guys, maybe you're not ready to jump into a relationship with either one of them.
Second, this topic should be in "dating and relationships".
if you're already with a guy who loves you, why would you even look at someone else?
Please keep in mind that these are my thoughts, and that they can be tossed out the window, depending on your beliefs.
You mentioned status as the negating factor for one of the gentleman.
If you truly love the second person mentioned, the status shouldn't be an issue.
If it's a racial factor, be aware that you may have families who decide to have it out with the both of you (the Hattfield/McCoy fight comes to mind, though I'm not sure if it would apply here). On the other hand, anything the families, your friends, or any third parties have to say about your choice of partners, is just that, words. Your love for each other will let you both deal with the criticism. Also, any friends that have issues with a partner might not be as close as you would think.
If there is a financial issue involved, that too can be worked out. Not everything material needs to be equal in a relationship. If you have more financial worth, then you can cover the events that the gentleman can not, such as dinners out, and vice versa. In return, he can cook or do other things to offset the cost.
I'm sure I'm missing other status-related problems. Please chime in and point them out.
As for your head and heart, the heart can weather a great deal of negativity in a relationship, and in daily life. If the brain and heart agree, then you will probably be happier in the long run.
As others have said, you almost need to get in a raging fight with your partner(s) to see how you feel towards them afterwords.
Finally, a bit of personal experience-based advice. If you've got two folks that you are unsure of, if you are in a position to stay with both for a period, this might give a better idea of their daily character, and allow a clearer decision.
If you wish to provide more clarification on the status issue, or discuss this via another medium, feel free to post here or off-forum.
Brandon McGinty
Personally, I'm really disturbed by the idea of being more than friends with both at the same time. If open relationships are your thing, and everyone involved is okay with that, then more power to you, but to me, relationships are about two people loving each other exclusively. I understand some feel differently, but that's another debate for another topic.
agreed. stay with both at the same time? not the approach I'd take but. hey. guess we're all different
If the original poster and one friend are very close, spending time with a second, if there are feelings there, probably won't end well. It's far too easy to progress from friend to friend-and-then-some, and beyond.
I didn't get the idea that the two men knew about each other from the original post.
However, if this si the case, there is something to be aware of.
Even though the two men may currently be fine with the idea of a polyamerous relationship, that "okayness" can end very quickly. If the group is not extremely comfortable with one and other, and doesn't know the problems that can arise, a lot of discomfort will appear very quickly.
Take, for example, time. If one person feels that he or she is not given enough time, jealousy will appear.
Brandon McGinty
I don't say be more then friends, but date them both if you can't decide on one. Love takes time and again I strongly believe most people that haven't spent much time learning about relationships should take some time and do so. Your partner you choose as your life mate will make a great differents in later life. As posted their are many factors in a relationship. If both know each other, then that will be more difficult, but if not explain to both you would like to date. If you are going to choose, then someone is going to lose anyway, so you may as well find the best person for you. Many couples live in this situation and have no issues with it, and I disagree that love is only between 2 people. It is possible to love more then one person deeply. Most people hate to admit that fact, because of jealousy or need to have a person to themselves. Not a bad thing, but it is just a fact. In this case you aren't attached to anyone, or promised, so enjoy and learn. If you give your word, then you must stick with one, or brake it off with him to move on.
Just listen to your hart.
and see how it. goes. good luck.
I would personally not take any of them if I were ever in that situation.